Over the last few months, I’ve been thinking seriously about surgery. Here’s the thing – I haven’t even begun hormones, so considering, or even thinking about surgery at this point, isn’t exactly productive or useful. But then, I suppose many trans people have to think of it at some point, and I have too.
I have always been afraid of needles, stitches, surgery and knives. Even as a kid. My clumsy flat-foot+awkward height made me fall quite often, needing stitches at least once in three months. Never have I had them. Just can’t. I’d ask the doctor to just put a bandaid or something, and I’d go home clutching wads of cotton to help stem the blood.
So. Surgery = big fear.
Secondly, unlike a lot of other transwomen, I do not have a particularly hateful relationship with my penis. I’ve been ashamed of it, yes. I’ve considered alternate realities where I was me, without the penis. I’ve fantasized a lot of having a vagina and being able to “receive sex”, as one transwoman I spoke to put it.
TMI maybe, but my penis is really really small. I’ve never had a bulge, despite the tightest trousers I’ve worn. I know some people hate that term, but as the porn-industry puts it, I think of my penis as a large clit.
Thirdly, right now my orientation is pretty queer. In that, as a woman, I like and am attracted to other women (cis, trans, gender-fluid or sexually fluid – all equally). And therefore, I’m not particularly sure that I would need a vagina to please my eventual partner (obviously a big assumption.) Also, while I admit I have zero experience in this matter, receiving anal stimulation/anal sex is about as erotic and fulfilling to me as receiving vaginal sex.
Plus, sex toys = amazing.
This year has been brilliant for me. I’ve come out to a lot of my friends, have managed to overcome some serious depression, and have found some amount of peace. This has helped me learn, explore and define my gender and politics a lot. I think I am gender fluid. I am transgender. I would like a female body (as that would give me greater personal happiness) but this does not require me to undergo any sexual reassignment/gender-affirming surgery.
In the back of all this is also one teen-early adulthood desire to be a trans-porn actress. Right.
Given all this, I think surgery may not be what I most desire. Hormones, absolutely. Every day I have to shave, every day I am perceived as a man is hurtful. Every day I look at myself and see a man in the mirror is debilitating.
I cannot wait to be seen as a woman.
However, I do think there is value in surgery for aesthetic reasons. For one, there are a bunch of scars on my face which I don’t like at all. I would like to lose them. There are also varicose veins and badly healed burns on my leg – the veins probably a result of Klinefelter’s syndrome, the burns because of a road accident – that I’d rather not have at all. So cosmetic surgery = yay.
I don’t think I want breast implants. For one – I already have a bit of boobage. Secondly, delicious estradiol/ estrogen is going to give me sufficient growth, I think. But, if I – at a future point – decide I need larger breasts, I have no compunctions getting implants.
I think my, um, balls are ugly. They perhaps give me the most pain, and are quite hard to tuck away. So for that, and that reason alone, will I consider having surgery. It’s more a question of aesthetics and comfort than sex/gender confirmation.
I think I wouldn’t mind having both a “penis/clit” and a vagina.
Does this make me less of a woman? Does this make my experiences as a trans person less authentic?
I don’t give a f*ck.